A Love Letter to Every Busy, Tired, Creative Mom

Dear busy, tired, creative moms,

I know you want to do big things. I know your creativity runs deep in your veins and you could no more live without it than you could live without the veins themselves. I know the things you want also terrify you. Partially because you don’t know if you have what it takes, and partially because you’re exhausted and feel like a lazy loser.

I know you feel like everyone else somehow has it together, and you spend most of your time just trying not to fall apart. I know how deeply painful it is to watch as other women without children pass you by in art and in life. I also know it’s even more painful to watch as other women WITH children somehow do the same.

I know you used to be someone else. Someone with energy, creativity, and dreams. You think your brain is broken. You worry you might be broken, permanently. Or maybe you just disappeared, like a walking ghost in your own life. Like you lost yourself somewhere between your breast pump and the lego bin. 

Here’s the thing. You DO have what it takes to do big things. No one has it together. Trust me I talk to A LOT of women and they tell me everything. Sometimes the ones that appear to have it all are fighting the biggest demons. No one is passing you by because there is no race, no destination. There is no ahead or behind. There is only you and there is only today, and you just have to make today as good as it can be. Then repeat. All of your good todays are amounting to something. Your creativity is not gone. You are not a loser. You are not lazy. In reality you are just so so tired and there is too much on your plate…more than any single human could possibly accomplish. 

It’s time to tell the truth and unpack the vicious lies that keep mothers trapped in a cycle of exhaustion, resentment, self-loathing, and self doubt. We are worth more than this. This is a love letter to every single mother out there who is struggling to find her place and her creativity.  

This is not a letter about how motherhood is hard. We KNOW it’s hard. This is also not a letter about how motherhood is beautiful. We KNOW it’s beautiful. This letter is about knowing your worth, letting go of false beliefs and expectations, and expanding the beauty and freedom in your life so you can lean into motherhood and art more fully.

Let’s begin here. You are not lazy. In reality you are doing a tremendous amount of work. Just because you don’t get paid, doesn't mean it’s not essential work. You barely get a chance to sit down, and most days you feel lucky to claim five minutes for yourself. You aren’t even alone on the toilet. Seriously….what is that? This job is NON-STOP. It doesn’t allow for laziness. Motherhood is ruthless and unforgiving…you couldn’t be lazy if you tried! 

And it doesn’t matter how many kids you have. People always say, ‘Oh it’s so hard and I only have one, how do you do it with four?” Well guess what? If you have one child, that child will consume 110% of your life, if you let it. If you have 7 children, they will consume 110% of your life, if you let them. The more kids you have, the more you just learn to divide your time, or let things drop that you used to care about. If you didn’t have those 6 other children, you would still be trying to devote 110% of your time to that first child. Whether you have one kid or seven, the needs of children are all-consuming. Day and night. The only way to reduce the percentage of effort that motherhood requires is to force yourself to find places to cut back. To fight for your time. To say no to the things that aren’t absolutely essential. 

So how can you possibly feel lazy if you are giving 110% of your life to motherhood? In addition to motherhood, you’re probably trying to give 110% to a career, art, hobby or side business. You try giving another 110% to a spouse/partner relationship, and then more to friends, and church, and school volunteer garbage, and exercising…and and and….the math doesn’t add up, but you are trying to do it anyway. And still…you call yourself a lazy loser. How??? Why??? 

Because when you don’t measure up perfectly to the 550% of expectations you've placed on your shoulders you think you have failed. Motherhood is more than a full time job. Even if ALL you try to do is mother, you will never get it all done. Never. Whatever you did that day, you will always drop into bed with the feeling that it wasn’t enough. But now it’s not enough to ‘just’ be a mother who can’t get it all done, you have to be a mother who can’t get it all done AND.

In addition to all the things you are failing to juggle perfectly, there are a million OTHER things (things you might never have imagined on your own) that you see other women doing, and they are doing it with big lashes, a spray tan, and a cool hat! Of course we feel lazy! Of course we feel like losers and failures. Because the expectations we hold ourselves to are an accumulation of the best traits of the thousand best women we have ever met and not met. We let this massive glob of accumulated accomplishments set this impossibly high bar for us, and then we punish ourselves repeatedly for not reaching it.

STOP. Seriously STOP IT. This is cruel torture. This is wrong. This is not how life or God or nature or the universe ever intended us to operate.

I promise you are doing enough. I can almost guarantee you are DOING TOO MUCH. What you need in your life is not more stuff, more obligations, more success…what you need is less. Of everything. Doing less of everything allows more time for the beauty of life and motherhood to unfold and reveal itself to you. 

I’d bet money that the one thing you actually need more of is TIME AND SPACE TO KNOW YOURSELF.

You are not gone. You are absolutely a whole person. You are creative. You probably have a whole series of paintings or sculptures or stories in your brain waiting to be manifested. You are vibrant and dynamic. You have ideas that could change this world…maybe it’s a business, an invention, a message that needs to be shared. You are intelligent. You love to learn new things. You are curious about all kinds of things…from raising chickens, to getting your pilot's license to learning to meditate. You are absolutely full to the brim…bubbling over with beauty and potential. You are all the things.

BUT…

You are also exhausted. You are sooo tired. You are overwhelmed with your 550% effort plan. Your brain is glitching and your body is aching. Your hormones are a literal rollercoaster and you probably have a combination of 12 diagnosable health issues like hypothyroidism, postpartum depression, anxiety, or the super-fun vague ones like chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. Or even worse…you know something is wrong but you are too buried and burnt out to even pick up the phone to make the first appointment to figure it out. You feel isolated and lonely. You hate motherhood sometimes and feel guilty for it. You feel broken. You wonder how you will ever make it through these years.

So who are you? Are you a vibrant creative, brimming with potential? Or are you a broken, exhausted, train-wreck? 

You are both. 

And merging those two versions of yourself will be some of the most difficult, yet important work of your life. The work is slow. It is subtle. It is a one-day-at-a-time kind of deal. But I promise you…the joyful, vibrant, creative woman that you are is alive and well, and the work it takes to reconnect with her is crucial.

You are crucial. Aside from motherhood or any other role in your life, you are a unique individual. A worthy human. A divine spirit. You matter. Your joy matters. You are worth the effort it takes to be whole. You are worth canceling kids activities and sports for. You are worth upending and overthrowing previous routines for. You are worth inconveniencing other people. You are worth disappointing others sometimes if it means not disappointing yourself. You are worth spending money on. Even if money is tight, prioritize just a little more of it for your health and happiness. Do whatever it takes to be whole because you are worth it. For your own sake. Full stop.

If this sounds selfish or hard to do for yourself, then do it for your kids. Do it for humanity and the world. Our kids NEED us to be whole and healthy. They need to SEE and FEEL that being an adult doesn’t equate to being a miserable shell of a person. They see life through your eyes. You SHOW them what it means to be whole and healthy and joyful. If you give everything and take nothing your thinly veiled resentment will leech into Every. Single. Relationship. In. your. Life. Kids, even the little ones, FEEL THIS!!!!! You are not helping them by making yourself last priority. You are not helping them by teaching them that when they grow up they become last priority.

Your kids need you firing on all cylinders, or whatever the saying is. They need you whole. They need that more than they need karate lessons, organic food, or high test scores. Healthy, whole mothers help create healthy, whole children, who one day become healthy whole adults. We need a LOT of these. Healthy, whole adults are a top notch resource required for the survival of humanity and the planet. We are counting on you. The planet is counting on you to take care of you.

Because you need you, and because your kids need you, and because humanity needs you…then you must do (AND NOT DO) whatever it takes to find your healthy, joyful, whole self. And because motherhood is just plain freaking hard, mothers have NO SPACE in their “free time” to do a SINGLE THING out of guilt or obligation. Mothers only have room for things that fill their cup, brace them up, or offer true meaning and purpose.

For example:

—“I feel like I should be working and making money…so many moms work, it feels lazy to just stay at home.”

Do you really really need the money? Would working fill your cup or brace you up? Would it help you find true meaning and purpose?  

If the answer is no, then DO NOT DO IT and don’t waste another second of your life feeling bad about that. If the answer is yes, then you and your family will work together to make it happen and make it great!

—“I really should be doing more art. I’m not using my creative talents at all. If I have a minute alone though, allllll I want to do is nap or read crappy teen fantasy novels. I’m wasting my potential.”

Do you actually FEEL like making art right now? Or do you  just feel like you SHOULD feel like making art because other women are? Would making art truly fill your cup, or give you meaning and purpose right now? 

If the answer is no, DO NOT DO IT. If teen fantasy novels are getting you through the day right now, then you do it.  And don’t waste another second of your life feeling guilty about it or trying to justify it. Creativity will happen another day, or year. Trust your gut and your timing, and don’t waste another second of your life feeling guilty or trying to justify it. To anyone.

You spend most of your day working to satisfy the needs of others. When you find five minutes alone, don’t you dare work to satisfy the expectations of another living soul. ESPECIALLY the imaginary expectations of the nameless, faceless people we love to use as shame motivation! “So-and-so influencer wouldn’t binge netflix right now, she would be too busy building her 7 figure empire and making alphabet shaped sugar-free cookies with her kids.” FORGET HER. What do you want? Exactly in this moment? What does your spirit really desire most? What would actually fill your cup and brace you up? Listen for the answer. Then do what you can to get it. That’s it.

You get the picture. If you are going to do this herculean thing called motherhood, then anything else you do must aid in your ability to know, love, and become your truest self. 

This is the merging process I was talking about before. How do we merge our highest ambitions with the tired person we are today? 

You start with an appreciation for everything you are already doing. You start with love for this woman and this tired body that has done sooo much already. Then very slowly, and with great tenderness and care, you commit to small changes in the right direction. You just focus on today. What could you do today that would help you feel a little better?

It would be great if someone else could do this for us. It would be wonderful to have a spouse or close relative REALLY watching us closely, helping us make our appointments, eat good food, rest, and make time for growth and fulfillment. It would be so nice if there was more assistance from the government for childcare. It would be wonderful if communities weren’t so isolating for mothers. But ultimately it’s up to each of us to make that choice and fight for ourselves when no one else is. 

You can start by looking inward, figuring out what help you need and asking for it directly. You can ask a friend to help you make that first call to the first doctor. You could ask a neighbor to swap childcare once a week. You can work with your spouse/partner or other family member to come up with a weekly schedule that builds in alone time for you to rest, play, or work on a goal. 

I don’t know what you need. But I think you do. What is the simplest, most basic first step you could take today that would get you closer to what you need and who you want to be? And I can’t emphasize this enough…maybe what your truest self needs is NOT a booming art business, a gorgeous creative practice, or posting more on instagram. Be brutally honest and ruthless with your follow through.

Now we get to the juiciest part of all for you, my fellow creative mother with the art pumping through your veins. What do you do if your truest self doesn’t want to rest and read and soak in a bath? What if your truest self wants to take on the world? What if your deepest desire IS to have a thriving creative practice because you know deep down you were made for this? You want to make art that moves people? You feel the creativity building inside you like volcanic pressure that will hurt you or someone you love if you don’t release it, and fast. What if you want to build a booming business just because you know you could and you want to test your limits?

If you want this…and you’re sure you want it for you, and not to prove your worth, not to outrun failure, and to show ‘everyone’ that you aren’t a lazy loser…but if you really want to be an Artist with a capital A for you…then to you I offer the two biggest things that have helped me through this decade long balancing act. 

First, is the hundred year plan. 

Second, is prioritizing your love of creation above all else. 

The hundred year plan means that you want to make art until you are 100 years old. Your art practice will probably hit its stride in your 50’s and 60’s! Why are you all whipped up in a frenzy today? Do you have a newborn? Forget this whole conversation right this minute and lay down immediately! Do you have toddlers? Toddlers are insane. Just survive them any way you can and make art to fill your soul and keep you sane. Why are we in such a rush to be a huge outward success? Remember, there is no race, so you can’t lose or get behind. There is only you and there is only today. Today we are laying the foundation. What will your 60 year old self thank you for doing today? Start there.

Prioritizing your love of creation means only doing, making, and posting about things you love. If you have time to paint, paint what you love, not what you think will sell. This is about making things that your own hands and heart are burning to make. If you don’t know what that is yet, pull out some materials and find out. You have no obligation to show a single soul what you make. 

If you want to be on social media, only post what you actually care about and interact with others in a way that fills your cup and braces you up. If someone's posts, even well intentioned ones, make you feel lacking or behind…UNFOLLOW them. Maybe you only follow people with under 1000 followers. Maybe you write a nice message to someone you admire every day. Social media can be the wind that lifts you, or the weight that buries you. The choice is yours.

Make this whole journey one that you LOVE because then it is never time wasted! If that painting never sold but you loved making it, then it wasn’t a waste of time. Did you spend hours making a reel that you enjoyed making with a message you believed in, then it sunk to the bottom of the algorithm? That SUCKS! I haaaaate that! But it’s not time wasted because you enjoyed it and you took time to manifest an idea that was percolating. 

This is YOUR creative journey. These are YOUR creative veins at stake and don't you DARE compromise it for anyone one else. For any amount of money. For any amount of likes. For any feature on any art blog. This is about your truest self, your truest art, and your own discovery of beauty and joy, and if you remember that, you will be stay in this game a long time.

And that is the best part. The bonus. The perfect twist. The trick answer to the test. Above all else, staying in this game for the long haul is all that matters. It's the only thing that separates success from failure. 

I have seen artists explode and fizzle. Make work they hate that sells, then dread the studio and look for a way out. A reel goes viral and they are on the hook to make more. They peak, they exhaust themselves, they disappear. They lose joy. They forget why they wanted to be an artist in the first place. 

If you want to be a raging success, pace yourself. Prioritize your joy. Allow yourself to be curious and make something ugly. Let go of obligation and lean into your intuition. Stop trying to do things the ‘right’ way and do things your way. Do motherhood your way. Focus on the things that make your children magical and do more of those things. Notice the things in life that are depleting and benefit only those who are low on your priority list…do less of those things. 

As you take time to know and love yourself, and prioritize the things that actually fill your cup, brace you up, and add joy and meaning to your life, the changes you find will expand into Every. Single. Relationship. In. Your. Life. 

You are wonderful. You are capable. There is time to become everything you want to be. Relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and remember there is no race, no destination. There is no ahead or behind. There is only you and there is only today, and you just have to make today as good as it can be. Then repeat. All of your good todays are amounting to something. I believe in you. I have confidence in you. 

Sending so so much love to you mama,

Denise

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