Toxic Sleep Habits, Nervous Goal-Setting and the Super Secret Weapon that will Make it all Okay
I think the only thing more toxic than my relationship with goal-setting is my relationship with sleep! I’ve searched far and wide for three decades, and have found few people with a more complicated relationship with sleep. (Usually this looks like staying up until 2 am scrolling my on my phone after promising myself I would be in bed by 11:00 no matter what, then subsequently snoozing my alarm into oblivion and waking up to the sound of entire bowls of cereal crashing to the floor and kids running around in pajamas who need to be at school in 20 minutes…you know, not every day…just…kind of a lot of days.)
I know lots of people who stay up late and struggle waking up but they accept it, make peace with the fact that they’re just wired that way. I annihilate myself for it. Every. Single. Day. Which is why I’m a little hesitant to say that my one and only goal for the new year is this: Wake up at 6:30 every weekday for the whole month of January.
I’m usually very good at picking low-commitment goals. Like a few years ago my New Year’s resolution was this and this alone: Improve my relationship with sleep. Does this sound vague enough for you? You can guess how much progress I made that year!
But this time I mean it. And I am armed with a ***super secret weapon*** (you’ll have to read on to discover it) and a sticker chart.You know I mean business if I pull out a sticker chart. In this post I am going to share the most helpful things I’ve learned about goal-setting and why I’m hopeful that this is the month I will finally make peace with my alarm clock.
I know New Year’s resolutions get a bad rap. I get it. They can be so uncomfortable! When someone starts talking to me about S.M.A.R.T. goals I want to melt into the floor from tedium and boredom and overwhelm. Nobody wants added pressure, hoops to jump through, or another opportunity to feel like a failure.
HOWEVER, I do believe in the power of self reflection and self improvement. I might be a little obsessed with it actually. (If my steady stream of self-helpery on Audible is any indication…definitely obsessed.)
Of course self-reflection matters! Of course we are meant to take a good look in the mirror and see if we remember who’s in there. Of course we want our life in action to reflect the values in our hearts and the longings of our souls. We all want to reach for a higher version of ourselves. Does this have to happen on January 1st? Of course not. It’s not the date that matters, it’s the process.
Is there a more gentle approach to change? Can we make new year’s resolutions in a healthy, attainable way that is also specific and holds us accountable? I am finding the answer is yes.
I think I could summarize a pretty replicable process in about five steps. These are the steps I took this year and even though I’m only five days into my goal, it’s feeling different than ever before.
It goes something like this.
Step One: A foundation of love and acceptance as you are
Take time to consider all you have fought through just to be here today with the life that you do have. What is the ground you’ve already won? Possibly the most important thing I’ve learned from my years of self-help audiobook osmosis, is the simple yet revolutionary concept from Brene Brown. DON’T HUSTLE FOR YOUR WORTH. You are already worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are.
The process of setting goals and self improvement should never be a quest to prove your worth! I think if you set out to fill a hole inside you with accomplishments and accolades, you will find it’s a race with an unreachable finish line…always moving just a little faster than you can run. Fill that hole today with your own love. With God’s love. (And maybe with some therapy if it’s needed). And then look for further ambitions to add to your already abundant spirit.
I’ve learned to love myself and be proud of myself, even in my very imperfect state. Even if I have dangerously bad sleep habits that I really dislike, I’ve learned to say, ‘I’m trying my best. This is not easy for me. I’m doing many good things. My lack of control around sleep and waking does not define my worth or my character.’
Step Two: What is your soul craving?
As you consider this specific stage in your life, what area feels lacking? What do you find you are craving more of? Don’t be swayed by what you think you SHOULD do, or what you see other people doing, but what do you truly desire to bring into your life?
Decide on a word, or simple phrase to guide your intentions this year. Something simple to remember throughout the year and to use as a measuring stick for how to filter your activities and commitments.
Maybe you are looking for more rest and peace. Maybe you crave more adventure and spontaneity. For me, I have been desperate to feel more connected to my body, and even more especially to my spirit. My world is constantly spinning. From the moment I am awoken by kids jumping on my head, to the moment I drop into bed at night, I feel like I'm careening out of control. I have been exercising regularly for months now, which has helped my brain functioning and mood immensely. But fast-paced exercise doesn’t allow for that real connection to the body that you get with yoga, stretching, or meditation. Beyond that, I’ve been completely disconnected from my spirit. My soul. The deeper sense of who I really am, what I need, and what my purpose is.
My phrase for this year is Body and Soul. I am prioritizing time and energy for anything that connects me in this way.
Step Three: One specific action
What is one very specific, very attainable action you can take starting tomorrow that will get you one tiny step closer to the intention you set? Set a short time-frame, like three weeks, or even 7 days. What time of day will it need to happen? How many days a week? What exactly will this action look like?
For me, I knew the dreaded answer. I knew the best distraction-free time I could get alone to connect with my own spirit and body would be early in the morning. I knew if I could get a handle on my sleep with any amount of consistency it would change my life. I knew that starting my day with solitude, reflection, and connection would set me up for success like nothing else could. I knew it. And I have known it for the past twenty years that I have grappled with my very complicated sleep patterns.
It also felt like the right time. WHICH IS CRUCIAL. For the first time in years I am not nursing or waking up with a baby AND my kids sleep through the night and don’t wake up until at least 7:15 or so. At this point, the only thing that was standing between me and my morning solitude…was me.
So with a certain amount of terror I made a choice. One specific action. I will wake up at 6:30 every weekday for the month of January. I will use the time to do some spiritual study and journaling. To rest and think and stretch with nice music playing, to meditate (i.e. learn how to meditate), to do yoga or qigong, or whatever I feel I need that morning.
***Step Four: Add joy and natural desire*** THIS IS THE SUPER SECRET WEAPON!
This is the most important step, and it’s absence is probably why I’ve never stuck to a single resolution so far. Ask yourself this question: HOW CAN I MAKE THIS ACTION INVITING, GENTLE AND ENJOYABLE?
What rituals could surround this action to make it something you look forward to? How can it fit more effortlessly into your existing life? How will you make it something you actually WANT to do?
In the past I have tried to rely on brute force and will power. This is a very Mel Robbins approach. She tells us that we cannot wait until we FEEL like doing something, because guess what? You’re never gonna feel like it! You have to do it anyway! She has what she calls the five second rule…count 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 then just do it. No excuses.
I love this idea! I’ve used it to get out of bed lots of times before. Until the day I got to 1 and decided I’d stay in bed anyway. Until I realized that even though I promised myself the night before that I would wake up to my alarm, it was too agonizing to actually do and I no longer care about convictions.
This is where my current audiobook comes in! It’s called Effortless by Greg McKeown. If you know me at all you know I'm OBSESSED with his previous book called Essentialism. Anyway, the basic gist of Effortless is that work doesn’t have to be hard and miserable. Work can be fun. And when it’s fun, we are more likely to show up for it again and again. We can pair essential tasks with enjoyable activities to make them more gratifying. It’s the basic concept of watching your favorite show while you fold laundry. Or how the author’s family hates doing dishes and cleaning up so every night after dinner they turn on Disney sing alongs super loud and sing full-volume as they clean up. It’s become a ritual, a family activity that’s actually enjoyable. It’s become a solid habit.
It reminds me of toothpaste. Did you know that the way toothpaste foams up in your mouth and has a minty flavor has nothing to do with the actual cleaning function of toothpaste? Before these elements were added to toothpaste few people were brushing their teeth. Pepsodent first added the minty flavor and people started enjoying the sensation of brushing their teeth…even craving it. And craving leads to habit. I learned this in Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit.
How can I add more joy, more natural desire, more senses and more cravings to a task I dread? This was the big question I asked myself before I was willing to commit to 6:30am.
I realized having a specific place to go was part of what makes waking up easier. And stepping into a cold house makes it sooo much harder. So I decided to create a space by the fireplace. The night before I laid out my yoga mat right in front of the fireplace. I set out my books and journal and a cozy blanket. And because smell is really important to me, I set out a nice candle with a lighter. Next to my bed I laid out my exercise clothes so I’d already be dressed and ready for the gym after school drop-off. And exercise clothes make me feel motivated in general.
When my alarm went off I got out of bed and made it. I put on my workout clothes and went straight out to turn on the fireplace and light my candle. The atmosphere was instantly cozy and inviting. It smelled good. My blanket was soft. The gentle glow of the fire and lamp were a source of golden light in a dark, quiet house. The sun coming up slowly revealed stunning views from each window. Reading, writing, stretching, listening to music…all of it was so beautiful and enjoyable.
It was the best start to my day that I’ve ever had. I felt completely connected to my spirit. I felt in tune with my body. And when my children came out of their rooms an hour later I was ready to greet them and start our day together. All of those sensations were so positive that my natural desire to do it again was intensely motivating as I stepped away from work early that night to prepare my space again for the next day.
It’s been five days in a row. For me, this is unprecedented.
Step Five: Stickers, prizes and cheerleaders
Finally, make yourself accountable with a way to track your progress. I just printed out a calendar page and wrote my goal on it. Then I put stickers on for each day I do it. You are never too old for sparkly stickers. It feels so good to see the visible proof of your progress! Another aspect of joy and craving! Decide on a fun reward that you can only get if you stick to it!
Rather than keep your goal a secret so nobody sees you fail, tell someone, maybe everyone, your goal, so they can cheer you on and help you succeed.
I told my whole family my goal, and they each made a simple goal with their own sticker chart. As a reward, anyone who completes their goal this month gets to go to a celebratory dinner at a fun restaurant. We are reminding each other and checking in daily.
After this month is over, maybe I will like it and do it again. Maybe I’ll decide it’s not for me, and set a different kind of goal for February. We can do just about anything for a few weeks. And even the act of sticking to SOMETHING gives us confidence to tackle a new goal.
I know goal setting is tough and loaded, but I really do feel that it’s valuable and has helped me be more intentional and motivated to keep striving to be the person I want to be. I have a vision of my best self, and I look a little more like her each day.
What is your intention this year? What is one action you could start tomorrow and how will you make it enjoyable? How will you reward yourself? Do you have any other tips or ideas that have worked for you in the past!? I’d love to hear it all.
Sending Love, and encouragement this January!
Denise
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