Three Things I Learned from my 'Polite Breakdown': A Deep Dive into the Mental Health of a Middle Class, White Mom
I recently took a step away from painting and Instagram to focus on self care, and my mental/physical health. When I announced my planned break on Instagram I got a fantastic comment that said, “I listened to Mary Pipher on a podcast recently and she described it, or stepping away from activities, as a ‘polite breakdown.’”
This term ‘polite breakdown’ almost made me laugh out loud because of its honesty. It’s so perfect. It’s all very polite, isn’t it? “I’m taking a break to focus on wellness” sounds like a lovely little retreat, sipping tea as you write in a journal, hold morning yoga sessions, and eat big salads. Although these things can and do happen, it’s not all as pretty as that, is it? Breakdowns are never pretty, no matter how much yoga is involved. They are a tough journey, stumbling through darkness, and hoping there is light on the other side.
Life with young children is an especially difficult time to have a breakdown because there is so little wiggle room. You WILL get out of bed every day. You will endure a barrage of incredibly frustrating situations, and you will NOT get a moment alone unless you fight for it with all you’ve got. This stage of life is just tough. As I look around and have honest conversations with other moms, I know this is true. No mother is immune to the exhaustion and overwhelm that comes with raising children.
So how do you know when your struggle is something more? As a chronic over-thinker I am constantly stuck in a cycle of questions like, ‘Is this normal? Am I normal? Does every mom cry this much? Does everyone over-think this much? Is my thyroid issue flaring up again? Am I just tired? Maybe my ADHD can cause burnouts like this? Maybe there is something else going on that I have yet to be diagnosed with. Is it normal to want to crawl back in bed and stay there...all day? Other people seem to be coping so much better...are they? Or are they just better at hiding their crazy?’ And so on.
When these thoughts swallow me up for long periods of time I find it’s useful to take a step back and really check in with myself. This means cutting out anything that isn’t absolutely essential to allow space for solitude, rest, reflection, therapy, doctor’s visits and so on. Every time I go to these dark places, I do emerge on the other side, and in the process I find valuable insights and a lot of personal growth.
When we take a step back, answers to the burning questions come more readily. As we talk to friends and professionals, we start to discern what falls in the range of ‘normal’ and what might require a little more assistance. There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to finding answers, but I do think we all need more space to be still, more self-compassion, and more respect for the fine line of mental health that each of us walks every single day.
I want to share with you the three big things I learned from my most recent ‘polite breakdown’. I know our experiences and needs vary greatly, but I have also found that much of what we go through is universal. And so I share as honestly (and long-windedly) as I can in hopes that you will feel a little less alone, and maybe even find something useful...just in case you are having a polite breakdown of your own.
1. Being an artist (aka being sensitive) has a cost. Spend Appropriately.
I love being an artist. I love seeing the world this way, through a lens of beauty and raw emotion. In my experience, part of being an artist is deep sensitivity. Not sensitive in the way that we get our feelings hurt easily or can’t handle rejection, but sensitive in the way that we feel things deeply. Too deeply. For me, it’s like I have no skin. I feel porous. Permeable. Everything comes in, yet somehow, nothing comes out.
This is true when I see majestic scenes from mountain tops, or giant Rothko paintings in a museum. It’s true when I see my kids running with wild joy. It’s true when I can’t resist waking my 10-yr-old up in the middle of the night to see magical fireworks. I feel it all at level ten, and it makes me feel alive, in awe of the beauty this life has to offer, and rich with gratitude.
But. This is also true for pain and negativity. Unrest in the world (Hello Covid), tragedies in the news, deep struggles of my loved ones, children being handled too roughly by their parents in public, even a lonely-looking person at the movie theater...it all comes in. I feel it all at level ten and it makes me feel hopeless, helpless, heavy. Laden with invisible burdens that I can’t discern or control.
Even just an excess of stimuli--noise, motion, and chaos (Hello, mother of four young boys...this is my life 24/7) can be enough to put me under. It’s TOO MUCH! I need space. I need to be alone. I need to decompress from it all. I’m pretty sure just having all the kids home for summer was the catalyst for this low period.
Sometimes I despise living this way. I wish I had a stronger filter. I want a different brain. My husband is very steady--probably the most steady, consistent, and cheerful person I have ever known. I am envious of his stability. One night I was really struggling and cried to him that I wish I had his brain. He validated my longing, but admitted that he is also envious of my brain. He longs to feel this deeply and experience the beauty and intensity of life through my eyes. I had never considered this before.
Being sensitive means experiencing the world in great highs and lows. Our society values steadiness and rewards consistency. But this does not mean it is the only or best way to be a successful, happy adult.
I think awareness and intention are the keys to mastering sensitivity. We’ve got to be aware of what situation is triggering an emotional response, and whether that situation is WORTH the energy. Be intentional about how you spend your mental and emotional energy because it is finite. I’m learning to take control of my emotional expenditures. It’s okay to be porous and permeable. Let the richness and beauty seep in and stay. But master the art of blocking, filtering, and releasing all that is petty, negative, or futile. Let it pass through you as readily as it entered.
2. There is more to life than Art and Motherhood
About five years ago I realized that if I wanted to pursue an art career in the throws of motherhood, I would need to make sacrifices. I would need to focus. I would need to cut a lot of other things out of my life in order to have the space and energy to focus on the two things that mattered most to me - art and motherhood/family life.
This worked well for a long time. I began making huge strides in my career and felt happy and satisfied to see myself fight for something I wanted so desperately. But as I exhausted myself these last few months and decided to take a break from all things art and social media, I began to see myself as an expansive being with endless options for how to spend my time.
My rigid schedule with allotted time for studio hours and house work was effective, but I realize it was shutting down a crucial part of my spirit. That little voice that is trying to tell you exactly what you need in any given moment. That voice that says, “I’m desperate for rest, can I just crawl back in bed and leave everything undone?” Or, “There’s nothing I want more than to lay on the balcony tonight, look up at the stars and swaying branches overhead, and feel the breeze on my skin.” Or, “I want to have a sleepover with my best mom friend in her basement—eat Indian food, watch Dirty Dancing and paint our nails.” Or, “I want to go for a drive in the mountains alone, with the windows down and music up...a light rain sprinkling on my outstretched arm with thunder rolling all around me.” Or discovering rock climbing, taking long bike rides with beautiful soundtracks in my headphones, soaking in long a bath, watching TV in bed with popcorn in the middle of the day.
Yes, these highly specific examples are all things I did in my month away. I kept my studio hours the same, but instead of using them for studio time, I did exactly what I wanted. I thought hard and asked myself, “What sounds exactly amazing in this moment? What does my spirit crave more than anything else?” Then I tried to give myself that thing.
That little voice is always reaching out to us. Trying to tell us what we need most, and if we shut it down too many times it stops coming. We become robotic. We lose a crucial part of our souls. We miss out on being our whole selves.
Having ADHD has made me worship those who can create and implement structure and detailed schedules. I crave the consistency and success these people seem to access so readily. But rigid schedules and routines have limitations. They deny our human nature and the reality of our lived experience. Flexibility and intuition are requirements for honoring all we are and are meant to be.
I know life is busy. I know we don’t all have babies who take good naps, or the luxury of a spouse who will put the kids to bed while we lay on our backs and look at the sky. But we always have a choice in the way we treat ourselves. We can all allow ourselves more gentleness and grace. We can all try to give our spirits even a small degree more validation and accommodation.
I want to be an amazing mother and wife. I have incredibly big dreams for my art career and I would move mountains to make them come true. But what I want more than anything is to feel true peace, and contentment in myself and my life. In my month away, I think I found that missing piece, and I will do whatever it takes to keep it.
3. Mental health struggles yield for no one. Not even middle-class, white, moms
I have had a relatively easy life. I come from an incredibly loving home. I generally have good health. My marriage is strong, and I recognize what a gift it has been to give birth to four healthy sons. I grew up with solid mental health. Because of my stable background, I assumed that my life was so good that I wasn't allowed to complain or have problems.
I know what real problems look like. I know what actual trauma looks like. I know the deep pains and struggles experienced by others and my white, middle-class, first-world problems are a complete joke in comparison. I talked myself out of going to therapy for years because of this--telling myself to stop complaining and be grateful for my ‘perfect life.’
But we can’t trick ourselves or talk ourselves out of mental health problems. Mental health doesn’t care how loving your spouse is or how healthy your kids are. It has the power to make or destroy and it yields for no one. I started struggling with emotional lows regular burnouts after having children. Whether this can be attributed to standard motherhood issues, hormones, low thyroid, ADHD, traumatic events, or something else...the results were undeniable. I was struggling and admitting that I needed help to get through it was the kindest thing I’ve done for myself and my family.
As I felt myself sinking into a difficult place this summer I went back to therapy, hoping for some clarity. My therapist started asking me about past trauma. “I don’t have any trauma” I told her. “My life is easy. I have no reason to complain.” I was very surprised to hear her reply that everyone has traumas. They might be small traumas, but it is still trauma and it will still impact your life until you deal with it. She defined trauma as any time your life circumstances surpass your ability to cope with them.
The other crazy thing I learned is a concept called compassion fatigue, similar to secondary trauma. Basically, if you are close to someone or have closely assisted someone through traumatic situations, you can experience similar symptoms to and require a similar recovery as the person who experienced the actual trauma. As someone who spent years believing my life’s purpose was to take on other people’s problems, this rang some major alarm bells.
I read a fantastic book called ‘Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle’...so sooo good. In it I learned that emotions are tunnels, and you have to go through them, or you will get stuck in them. I also learned that just because you have dealt with a stressful situation, doesn’t mean you have dealt with the stress itself that has built up in your body. Maybe your mind knows you are safe, but your body doesn’t get the message unless you show it physically that it’s safe. Things like hugging, dancing, and exercising are great ways of releasing the stress chemicals and helping you complete the stress cycle.
I’m pretty sure I just spent a full month attempting to complete a very long, deeply rooted stress cycle. We are all dealing with more than we can handle much of the time. However you attempt to quantify your problems on the ‘real problems’ scale, we are all worthy of help and healing.
Following is a very long list of things that have helped me with my mental health
Meeting with a good therapist regularly
EMDR (a cool technique used in therapy for processing trauma)
Exercise. Especially going to actual exercise classes at the local rec center (no thinking or decision making, just music and movement for an hour. I feel like a different person when I go.)
HAVING MY OLDER BOYS BACK IN SCHOOL!!! The forced structure and time alone in the afternoon make this the most important item on the list!
Guiding my thoughts instead of letting them guide me. I’m trying to interrupt my negative thought patterns and say (usually out loud) things like: “You are a capable, strong adult. You CAN do this. This is a bad moment, but it won’t last forever, this isn’t your whole life. You are doing awesome! Everyone struggles with this, it’s okay.” And so on. I don’t know how long I can keep up on the endless cheerleading, but for now it really is helping. When I need to stop thinking altogether, I get out of my head and into my body. Jumping, stretching, dancing, moving.
Recognizing that if I can’t change a bad situation, I can change myself. If I can’t remove the bad, all I can do is add as much good as possible - in the form of good music, dancing, going swimming, dinner with friends, a bike ride alone, a fun adventure, a mini vacation...any fun I can get anywhere I can get it.
Utilizing the cheap childcare at the gym, not just for classes, but for sitting in the lobby in the sunshine and getting things done on a laptop, like this blog post.
Being open with friends and family and accepting help
Actually asking for help with things like cleaning, childcare, or even just going for walks and talking about life
Crying when I need to, taking naps when I’m tired, feeding myself good food as often as possible
Making a basic weekly schedule that builds in time for resting, doing nothing, and leaving the house without kids to do whatever I want
Brain dumping is one of the most helpful things I do. I started two files on the computer, one called ‘The Bad’ where I type furiously every horrible thing I can think of. Things I’d never say to anyone out loud, deep horrible thoughts that probably aren’t true but plague my mind. Every thought I have...all pouring out with endless typ-os and run-on sentences. It feels so good to honor those feelings, articulate them, look at them, and sort through them to decide what’s true. Sometimes I delete it all after. Sometimes I save parts that feel true and might help me in the future. I keep another file called ‘The Good’ where I write about gratitude, the beauty in life, the good things that have happened. The things I hope for. A place to keep proof that life is good, and there is much to love and appreciate.
Working with a Naturopath or more natural doctor or nurse practitioner to work on my whole health, including supplements (taking a really good adrenal supplement over the years has been a game changer), bloodwork, lifestyle and more
Driving with the windows down and the music up
Watching TV in bed in the middle of the day with a caffeinated beverage and popcorn
One on one time with each kid to actually enjoy them and not stress or make them do things
One on one time with my husband
Making art when I feel like it, and not making art when I don’t
Reading (listening) to books---some informative/self-help, and some just for fun
Watching the kids play and not touching my phone or worrying about the things I haven’t done
Setting aside one day of the week for housework and laundry, then mostly letting it go the rest of the week
Ultimately remembering that nothing matters more than my peace and contentment, and being merciless when it comes to cutting things out of my life, or letting go of things that matter less than my well-being.
Whew!! Are you still here? If you are, thank you. I hope you found something useful.
Working on mental health is so challenging. When you are feeling low, the last thing you want to do is try to find a therapist or figure out what’s going on. If you don’t have energy for basic life functioning, how can you find energy to change your life? But mental health problems don’t just disappear. They don’t evaporate, or push down so low inside that they won’t hurt you. Our issues follow us, and work on us, and infiltrate our much needed and deserved peace. So much of our suffering can be alleviated if we give ourselves the proper tools for healing and moving forward.
I know I haven’t figured it all out. I know I will likely be drudging through the mental health trenches again. But I also know I have tools to cope. I can learn new tools to cope. And in the process I will learn about myself. I will become more myself.
Sending so so much love to you,
Denise
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