Is it ADHD or 'Just Mom Brain?' Diagnosed at 36, This What I Know
How do you get a high-functioning, grown woman to finally recognize her ADHD? Give her four kids, a self-run art business, and a smart phone. Boom. The perfect storm.
In a million years I never would have guessed I might have ADHD. As the rampant stereotype of unruly elementary school boys bouncing off walls and failing tests was so fixed in my mind, I figured I was the last person on the planet to fall into this category. I was an excellent student (okay, I got good grades despite a lot of procrastination and tuning out in class, and because of a lot of all-nighters!) I was also a people pleaser, pretty well behaved, and had no trouble staying in my seat for hours on end.
It wasn’t until recently as a 36-year-old, part time artist and full time mom of four boys that I started piecing this together. I was looking into a diagnosis for my son when light bulbs began to go off. Slowly at first, but after months of research and reflection the lightbulbs became so blindingly bright that I knew in my center I had ADHD before ever getting an official diagnosis.
THE STRUGGLE OF IT
How is it possible that I came to be a grown woman and had never heard of ADHD Inattentive Type? Maybe the wild school boy trope doesn’t fit me, but this…even the word itself…INNATENTIVE…clicked into place so readily I could feel my brain shouting in exasperation and relief…’Come on! How are you just now putting this together!?” The official diagnosis came with very little surprise and a lot of relief. Everything is beginning to make sense. For me ADHD feels like many things, but these are the most pronounced:
Daydreaming. Getting lost in space and time, where my body is present but my mind is far far away…which accounts for my tendency to sit for long periods of time essentially staring at the wall!
Intense procrastination. Usually waiting until nighttime when I can concentrate, and I’m literally out of time. Nothing like a deadline the next morning to help me spring into action! Hence, the many many all-nighters that were the key to my success in school, and the late nights that are still the key to many of my accomplishments now.
Time blindness. I know time is passing, I know I should be aware of this fact and what task I need to prioritize in a given moment. But I JUST CAN’T. Everything feels equally important and I’m often paralyzed as I try to figure out what I should do first, second, third, or not at all. And of course, I grossly underestimate how long I will spend doing just about everything. Running late is basically the only way I know how to run.
Piles. The piles of papers. The piles of odd items I can’t bring myself to find a permanent place for. The piles of unread emails. Piles and piles. They build up until something forces me to deal with them. Typically that’s the moment when I hit my mess limit and do a good, quick, rage clean:)
High Distractibility. I have an inability to follow through on a simple task without being distracted by twelve other ones. For example: I’m trying to clean the kitchen. I take a pair of socks upstairs to put them away. In the bedroom I see I never made the bed. I start to make the bed and remember the marker stain that my three-year-old made on my pillow case. Better treat that stain now before I forget! I take the pillow case into the laundry room and see the light coming through the window making a beautiful pattern on the floor. This must be photographed! Maybe I’ll paint it someday. I run grab my phone and take several photos. With my phone out I take a quick look at my email. I check Instagram. After a little mindless scrolling I get a great idea for my art business and run to jot it down in one of my many notebooks before I forget it. Suddenly I realize it’s time to pick up the kids from school. The kitchen is not clean. The bed is not made. The pillow case is discarded on top of the washing machine. I did not actually read or reply to my emails or Instagram messages, but they have been thoroughly browsed. I may or may not be able to find the business idea later because I’ll likely forget where I wrote it. That kids book, ‘if you give a mouse a cookie’ reads like a scary story of my inner mind! Even when I am aware that I’m doing this, I somehow do it anyway. I assumed this was just how most people functioned. It’s hard to imagine that some people just clean the kitchen.
The deep sense that everything is out of control and I don’t have the ability or wherewithal to bring it into order or focus.
And most of all, the abiding and painful feelings of shame as I reprimand myself again and again for not being able to just “pull it together already.”
“MOM BRAIN” OR ADHD?
Chances are, if you are a busy mom like me, you likely relate to a lot of what I’m saying. You might be thinking, “isn’t this just motherhood?” So how do you know when it’s “just mom brain” vs something diagnosable like ADHD? I would say you have to consider when you first started noticing the signs, and the degree to which these challenges impede on your life, keep you from the things you want, and diminish the way you feel about yourself.
I can think back on experiences in my childhood and college days that give significant clues. If it’s truly just the crazy of motherhood, there wouldn’t be a trail of breadcrumbs leading you to this place. The structure provided in school and work settings kept me in line and gave me clear guidelines to follow. These structures offered just enough stability to make it manageable and mask the reality of my situation.
But motherhood. Oh boy. Motherhood. Now I make the schedule? It’s my job to ensure crucial things like doctor’s appointments and pre-school sign-ups happen at specific times? I maintain the lives and schedules of MULTIPLE people?? And not only is there no boss or teacher telling when or how, but I have four small people who have made it their life’s mission to ensure I never accomplish any of the aforementioned. Add to that a self-run art business and the almighty holy grail of distractions (a smart phone), and boom. All of the coping strategies I adopted over a lifetime ceased to be enough.
For several years now my obsession with organization and structure, or rather, my obsession with my inadequacies in these areas has been a heavy, murky fog that has emanated through every aspect of my life telling me I’m not enough and never will be. It’s important to consider the degree of pain these issues cause you. If you can laugh off most of the chaos of life and feel good about your path then you’re all good, whether you secretly have ADHD or not. For me, these points were painful and sensitive. Several of the personal accounts I read triggered emotions in me that were very telling. These conditions were dictating the way I saw myself, and what I felt I was capable of. As I learned about ADHD, the murky fog began to lift and showed me to myself more clearly. All of these experiences pointed me toward getting a diagnosis
THE BEAUTY OF IT
Okay. We have covered the struggle. But…BUT…Did you know that ADHD is also associated with a whole slew of intensely positive attributes! In fact, dozens and dozens of the world’s brightest creatives, innovators, and entrepreneurs have ADHD. I have loved learning about all the fantastic traits associated with ADHD, and finding the ones that fit me:
Hyper-Focus. I benefit from the intense ability to hyper-focus at times when I’m doing something I’m excited about. Like when I am deep into an art project and I can stay in the studio for hours, even days, with little to no breaks aside from using the bathroom and shoveling food into my face. Beautiful bodies of work and important creative projects have been born in these conditions.
Being Intuitive. My spontaneity, sense of adventure, and ability to live in the moment offer me some of the greatest joys of my life. I have often joked that I live sooo much in the moment that I forget there are other moments coming that I should probably be considering. I compulsively engage with almost everything I see, which leads to a lot of beauty, appreciation, and fascination.
Empathy. The ability to empathize, and connect with others I was surprised to learn, are associated with ADHD. I have always had a deep sense of empathy and ease in conversing honestly with others, especially about the ‘real stuff’ of life. Please don’t bore me with small talk for more than five minutes! Let’s get to the good stuff.
High Distractibility. I often let people distract me from what I should be doing, which often leads to meaningful connections, learning/teaching moments and spontaneous bonding. For example: Late night conversations about the meaning of life with a child who is purposely trying to engage me in order to stay up later, and it always works, and I never regret it. Running through sprinklers in the dark with my 10 year old on a hot July night after a firework display filled us with wonder. Playing checkers and eating treats with my 7-year-old after he woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and asked with a certain sparkle in his eye if we should do something sneaky while the rest of the family slept in a dark house. Okay, it was actually ME who asked if he wanted to do something sneaky, but the sparkle in his eye convinced me to actually do it. I also recognize that all of these examples occurred late at night when I should have been sleeping. This is not a coincidence! Ha ha! Late nights are the bread and butter of ADHD.
Creative Energy. I often experience intense bursts of creativity, ingenuity, and big, out-of-the-box thinking. These creative bursts are exciting and tempt me to throw myself into them with expediency. I have learned to temper them in order to avoid burnout. I mostly do this by writing down all my ideas and implementing them when my time and circumstances allow.
The ability to always find humor and humanity in the midst of struggle. My persistence. My resilient spirit. These are all related to ADHD.
See? Things are sounding a lot better.
THE DIAGNOSIS
Why get an official diagnosis? Why not just look at your habits and work on them?
I am obsessed with self awareness. I want to learn as much about myself as possible, so I can show up for myself and others in the very best way possible. This was a huge part of my motivation for getting an official diagnosis from an expert. Knowing concretely that I really do have it, and learning about ADHD, with it’s specific terminology and established framework gives me reference for understanding, and expands my view of who I am, what I’m capable of, and what it will take to get what I want.
In addition to embracing more of my creative, messy, adventurous self, I’m finding some necessary systems of structure that will keep me tethered to reality. I’ve always tried to build structure into my days, but something about the diagnosis ADHD is pushing me to take these structures more seriously. I’m involving my family in these plans, and looking for a good therapist to coach me through it.
Most importantly I’m learning to find grace and forgiveness for myself and all of the times I have “fallen short” of the expectations (mostly my own) placed on me. I can’t tell you how many times I have berated myself for habits and tendencies that I now recognize as ADHD. There is a definite sense of grieving as I think back to myself as a child, a college student, a struggling mom…wondering why everything felt so damn hard and overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, these things ARE hard and overwhelming at times regardless, this was just an added layer of complication.
I’m certainly no expert. This is all new for me and I still have lots to learn. But I can tell you this…All things considered, being labeled ADHD has come as a huge relief and a big leap forward, rather than a disappointment or a limitation.
This diagnosis may seem insignificant. To a large degree it is, especially considering the mental/physical health challenges and other life situations that set many up for struggle in ways I can’t comprehend. But I firmly believe in the importance of really knowing ourselves. Every part of ourselves. We benefit from shining a light on the darker places within us and searching for the understanding and self love that will make us whole. And I am feeling more whole already.
Sending Love,
Denise
P.S. If you think this might be you, do a little digging. Talk to other women to see how your experiences compare. Google ‘adult women adhd’ or something similar that fits your experience. There is so much information online. Read a book or listen to a TED talk. I learned a lot from the book Driven to Distraction, talks by Russel Barkley, and the website ADDitudemag.com.
Notice how you feel when you encounter these materials. If they trigger pain points or feelings of deep recognition maybe it’s worth going for a diagnosis. Reach out with any questions!
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